27th of July 2010

Wait. What’s the date today? I have even forgotten it. It feels like my days are going soooo slow these last months. Luckily, I’m not “trapped” again in situation whereI can’t find happiness left.
Okay. Based on the calendar, it’s 27th of July now. So it’s.... 18 days left.


What...what should I do to fill this “waiting” time? Not much. Playing games a lot I guess is what I do lately. The games that, in fact, makes me even more bored. but I think it’s better than do nothing.
By the way, I’ve found 2 versions of name. It’s all related to fasting month. But... it doesn’t mean I really want it to happen exactly at the time. I mean, sooner maybe better. Coz it’s so much harder of being puffy like this ( I guess it’s good if men try to experience this so that they’ll stop staring at any kind of fat-belly women. What do you think?).


I really want to make something in this kind of time. Like... making short stories, or even a part of a novel. Still, this laziness ”forces” me to look at laptop’s screen with blank idea. (un)creativity virus really crawl my head.
By the way again... I felt a bit surpise finding him really concerned on what I’ll experience. He looks just so worried. Well, he finally knows the difference of life and death and the situation in between, the natural strength of women given by God, the importance of appreciating mothers all around the world.


I don’t know whether it will be easy or not. But I always ask Him to ease my way, always. And may God bless me in His way.ameen.


I love you, Ashaumy/Ashauman! I really do.

July, 20th 2010

It’s 25 days away to that day. the D-day. Again, time goes just so fast, isn’t it? Well, while I’m counting the days left, I suddenly realize something. Counting the days to that days means, whether I like it or not, I would face that situation. The time when I think everything stops and watches me battling in the edge of life, but actually everything goes just as normal as birds flying, wind blowing, weathers changing, urban people working, and public transport moving (hehe).

I dunno why but this word comes in mind since yesterday. Brainwash. Yup. The days I spent those months feels like a dream. Or.. even a nightmare. The life I’ve spent feels just so weird compared to these days since I live in here, close to my family. The life I get here is so normal. This is exactly the life I have for the whole of my life. The life when I shouldn’t work so hard to have something to eat, to read, to play with, to watch, and even to laugh.
So what is it all with the word “brainwash”? Hmm.. my close people, let’s say my mommy, my friends, wake me up from what I call nighmare. Those dreams that made me lost. Those beliefs that made me trust him. Trust. This is also the word that lately has gone from my mind. I feel no trust in him again.
Wise people say, Trust is the key to keep “it”. So, when it’s lost, everything becomes too fragile to be kept. So fragile that it’s in vain if we still try to keep them. The words I often heard are, “ how could you trapped in that kind of person?” or “u know it’s bad, but how come u still want it?” that’s the words. That’s making me realize on how far I am from the “track” I used to walk on. The track I trust, the straight track that made achieve few things I thought I could never get.


So it’s brainwash. Or the other word of “an effort to make me realize of something wrong I did”. The question is, “will I really back to the “track”, leaving all those nightmares I experienced those last months?” Yes, I will. I definitely will choose the people who really know me and all qualities I have, love me, care for me, never leave me, and always honest. I’ll back right to the track after I successfully finish what I’ve started.


I just hope everything goes as good as I want. Ameen.

30 days left

Time goes by so fast that it’s about 30 days left to the day. The D-day. I should confess that the time I’ve been through lately was so hard. Well, “hard” is actually not enough to describe how complex the days were. However, I still feel grateful to live and survive in a bundle of problems I got.
 Many says “be patient”. Yes, that’s the key. No one would deny the power of patience. But it’s still too hard to just accept the word. Since, I think, if they never experience what I got, they would never understand. Many women I guess would just commit to suicide, or suddenly become a freak soon after they know they should face this kind of labyrinth. Labyrinth of problem. Wherever they try to run away, they’ll face the very same dead end, which covered with troubles. The choices are, Face it or Trapped and die. A very interesting “game”, isn’t it?


Still, today, when there are 30 days, or so, left, I still feel grateful to live strong, quiet happy, and normal. I should feel it because of the existence of my family. They are where I run into in this kind of situation. And, amazingly, they still accept me.


Being so much more positive these months, I rarely feel regret. So instead of reminding those days when I slipped and fell, I try to focus on the D-day. This is not the time to recall the past again. No, not again. If I wanna be happy, I should face the future.



God, please lead me the way.

KUKIRIMKAN UNTUKMU TIAP HARI

Kukirimkan padamu tiap hari
Pesan-pesan penuh kata berarti
Yang asalnya dari hati, dalam sekali

Kutitipkan harap kepada Dia
Semoga tidurmu nyenyak, mimpimu indah
Tak lupa sebungkus kecil cinta, untukmu saja

Hanya sekarang ini
Aku berani katakan semua
Tiap malam, ketika bulan tenggelam

Meski kau tak pernah peduli
Tetap kukirimkan padamu puisi
Tiap hari..

(290208) – pagi di Kansas yang sepi, hijau, dan dingin.

Air&api

Pernahkah kau dengar dongeng ini?
Dongeng air dan api
Yang dahulu sempat saling mencintai
Kini akan kuceritakan itu lagi

Di suatu hari yang dingin
Air mengalir dalam liuk-liuk sungai
Lalu ia bertemu dengan percikan api
Di tepi sungai, sang air datangi api itu

Api yang hampir mati
Semakin menggigil ketika air menghampiri
Tapi air terlanjur jatuh cinta pada api
Maka ia serahkan sisa kehangatan untuk api

Air yang semula dingin
Berubah hangat karena sang api mungil
Tapi tak cukup hangat untuk bisa hidupkan lagi
Jiwa api yang sempat amat hangat dan berkobar

Sebelum api mati
Ia tinggalkan untuk air, pesan yang suci
Bahwa kelak seluruh api yang ada di bumi
Tak akan pernah bisa menyatu dengan air

Air dan api
Akan selalu bertentangan
Kobaran api akan mengeringkan air
Percikan air akan memadamkan api

Air mendengarnya dengan sedih
Titik-titik air mata air membasuh sisa api
Api menyala sebentar, sebelum akhirnya benar-benar mati
Hanya segumpal asap yang kini menemani air

Itulah dongeng air dan api
Yang dengan sebesar apapun usaha
Akan tetap saling menyakiti
Saling membunuh

Seperti kau dan aku
Yang terlalu berbeda..
Hingga tak terukur batas dan jaraknya
Kita (mungkin) tak akan pernah sanggup bersama

Bukan puisi romantis

Aku berani bersumpah
Ini bukan puisi romantis
Yang mengumbar kata super gombal
Dan kalau dibaca hanya bikin mual

Ini cuma sebuah kesadaran
Atas diri sendiri, di masa lalu
Ternyata begitulah aku dahulu
Kerjanya tulis curhat melulu

Kulihat lagi isi binderku
Ternyata banyak puisi, disitu
Puisi buatanku
Saat masih amat lugu

Ada dua puluh sembilan puisi
Tema beda, tapi sumbernya sama
Yaitu dari hatiku sendiri
Dengan bumbu-bumbu pengalaman pribadi

Kalau makanan, aku pasti sudah kekenyangan
Sambil bertanya-tanya, ‘kapan lagi makan seperti ini?’
Benar-benar langka
Ternyata puisi-puisiku nyastra!

Lalu harus aku bawa ke mana
Puisi-puisi dari hati itu
Dikirim ke majalah, aku ragu
Jaman sekarang, puisi sudah nggak laku!

Jadi kuketik saja
Siapa tahu kapan-kapan aku bisa
Ketemu orang pecinta kata-kata bermakna
Lalu puisiku dibelinya, dan aku kaya raya!!